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Полезные советы/инфо от Face-Off |
Американские басни.
Once upon a time an elephant was walking along when he saw a mouse trapped in a deep dark hole.
Wanting to help, he thought erotic thoughts until his willy grew so long it touched the bottom. The mouse was able to run all the way along it to freedom.
The following day, the mouse saw the elephant stuck down the hole. He tried the same trick, but his willy was so small it didn't reach. So instead he found a black Porsche and a tow rope, winched the elephant to safety and they lived happily ever after.
The morale of the story....
"If you have a black Porsche, you don't need a big dick!!!"
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up,and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal." As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear." Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter. However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat." At that very moment,the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat
jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake. The moral of this story is:
If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, " I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not
saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom." Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.
Horse And Chicken
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?" So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter.
On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger.
In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird. The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
In this out of the way village there was a man called "onestone".
This wasn't his real name but everyone called him it because he had only one testicle.
After years and years of this torment onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him onestone any more.
Then one day a young girl forgot and said, "Good morning onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he screwed her all day, he screwed her all night, he screwed her all the next day, until she died from exhaustion.
The word got around that onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman returned to the village after many years away. She was overjoyed when she saw onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you onestone."
Again, onestone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all the next day, screwed her all the next night, but she wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
"You can't kill two birds with one stone."
A madam opened the brothel door to see a rather slick looking, well-dressed, just past middle-aged gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want to see Natalie", the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is >one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know", said the old man. "Your father died and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3000 inheritance.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY.........Some things in life are certain....death, taxes and being screwed by a lawyer.
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Полезные советы/инфо от Face-Off |
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